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I know that it has been forever since I have last written. I was chatting with KDC4evr last night, and she mentioned that I might want to check the journal now and again. I really haven't had the time since the job. Even though I have internet at work; it is a rare moment when I am able to check anything personal and I don't have internet at home. So here I am at the internet cafe that I worked at months ago during the job hunt period. I am ok. The job isn't what I thought it would be, but I have adapted to it. I like some of the people I work with a lot; we hang out after work, dance, drink, and chat. There are a couple people who I work with that don't like me, but I was told it was because I work too hard as if I am trying to get a promotion. Little do they know, I'm just trying to do a good job and am not thinking of staying there really long since i would like to go to grad school someday. I am moving from my apartment to a one bedroom. I don't know where yet, but I will tell my two roomates today. It sucks being there. What used to be good, now is a drag, and I feel like a guest. I am really excited about having my own space to decorate, write, study for GRE, and have a general piece of mind. I have adapted somewhat to the USA, but I still miss Peru. I can't look at the pictures that much. Makes me sad. The way of being there. Something beautiful. I'm glad that I am here, but I feel like a jumping flea, anytime someone tries to catch me, nail me down to one location, I jump. I'm confused about where I'll be a year from now, but I know that I will be happy. I guess it just takes some people a while to discover their path. There is this saying I heard in the Peace Corps, "I am who I am now because I was who I was then. I am the sum of my experiences." How true, how true.

I have dropped off the face of the earth or so I feel now that I have been working. I have started officially at my new job on tuesday. Tuesday was boring. Wednesday was horribly boring where I felt unchallenged and that I sold out and had to meet a friend for a drink, and Thursday was exciting where I met a different friend and had nothing to complain about (my spanish roomie says that I am moody---perhaps I am, I always imagined storms flashing in my eyes) and today, today I am tired, it was a productive day, but I am tired. I feel old. It's friday, and all I want to do is read or write or close my eyes and pretend that I am asleep. Sunday my folks come up to drop things off at my new place and my kitten Max comes, so I am really looking forward to that. I am excited about relaxing this weekend. Might catch some live free music with my roomie and see a couple of friends on sunday and call a group of peruvian friends on sunday (and i mean a group! I am so excited that my friend, Maxi got it organized. She is wonderful), There is a part of me that misses Peru so so incredibly much, I am just looking for another excuse to live and work there again. I miss my friends there too much to go into without breaking. I don't quite recognize myself here, it is as if I am only playing a part.

I meant neighborhoods not neighbors, but I suppose that the other seems interesting as well.

Just got off the phone with gendereuphoric who made me feel better. thanks. NOw I am all for being a detective concerning looking at the neighbors of the places that I am interested in. Sounds like a lot of work, hope I have time. Suppose I have to shower first though. Get rid of these sweaty armpits would be a good thing.

If you had a friend and a good friend at that who may need a place to stay one week max while she looked for an apartment. She already had a job, all she needed was an apartment, and all she really needed from you was a possible place to stay for a few days, a week tops, would you offer it to her so she didn't feel unwanted and desperate? Would you have reservation in your voice and would you make it even more uncomfortable for that person to ask, and a really good friend at that. Would you say that you would think about it, while sounding like no the whole time. And what happens the next time you need a friend? You will be up shit's creek. God, I love that song lean on me, one would hope that is how friendships would be, if you can't count on your friends, and on your good friends at that, who the hell can you count on?

from a quiz
The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

from a quiz most seems surprising true

the sisterhood of the travelling pants
So after seeing the movie and enjoying it, I found the books. Read the first two books in two days. I enjoyed them, made me cry, made me remember things. The third one I am not going to go and read cause well I really need to do resumes and such and also it is in hardback. It is really beautiful though---the friendship of these four girls. And I can't help but feel cynical after all the friendship thing with my old best friend. 15 years and then nothing. You know when I first left for Peru it was her and my mom that dropped me off, and when I came back in the middle period it was her and my mom who picked me up. This time? I still haven't seen her yet and I have been back three months. It is kind of ironic in a way what has happened, she was the only one that was mad at me for leaving for the peace corps and she threatened me that she'd get married while I was gone. And guess what, she did. She married a man who hates me for being a liberal and an independent woman. Apparently I am a bad influence on her. It is also ironic that she knows so well and has accused me of it, that I have a hard time letting go of people. And now, I have to let go of her. What a dig. I have been okay so far, much better than I thought I would be. But it is hard coming back from so far away to not have who you considered your old best friend not there. At all. All that support, laughter, complaints, gone. And the funny thing is in all the years of being friends, we have never had a fight. I kind of wish that we had now. It would be a release at least.

What I realize is that my old best friend was (for a while) the wilder side of me, the more sexual side of me. Everything that I repressed, she was. She was louder, she dressed more provocatively. She had drama in her life, conflict. And now I suppose that she's gone, I have the space to explore these parts of myself more so but not to the extreme extent that she did. I think that I did begin to explore these sides in Peru. I miss Peru. I miss just walking down the highway or in the side, I liked who I was there. And it is hard for that evolved risaypaz to fit in here. I hope this gets better. I have been thinking about the maybe possibility of going back. I love the people I knew there so much, and there is so much left to do, and it seems that they aren't going to send anyone to my site because they deem it "too hard." Yeah right. I don't believe it.

Also so I have always said to people that I have never been in love. And I look at them in awe when they explain it. I can say now that I have been in love. I always said that I was falling, I was almost close. Truth is that was like me holding one over him, saying you only thought that I loved you, I almost did but didn't. Truth is I did love him, granted it was puppy love, but that explains my heartbreak over the break-up. And the truth is I really cared about my Peruvian boyfriend much as I said it was just casual-casual. Funny thing is I never wanted to take pictures of me with these guys. It was me holding something over them. I was embarrassed. It felt corny. I hide from these types of emotions. I have to be strong, and I think of strength in relationships as reserve, as protection. It feels good to write these things. Puts a little clasure on the first one. I keep on seeing people that look like my Peruvian ex, and I feel a pang, we really had fun together the first year, he was my release from my stress. I looked forward to seeing him all week until I went into the city, and honestly I felt bad for that---cause I was there for the people not him. I liked how we danced together, how we joked around together. When we were together, we were always laughing. The second year, what can I say, I felt more serious from things that I had seen or knew or heard from my life in the village, and I felt I had grown and he hadn't. And now according to a fortune teller friend, I will have a wonderful romance next year, but this year nothing worthwhile and also I am supposedly extremely fertile so I have to be careful this year anyway. I don't know if I believe.

well this is a long journal entry from me. I have been thinking a lot. Maybe too much. Have to exercise and do my homework of jobhunting. K and B's dog snored all night, I had to turn up my discman to a high 4, and he is snoring now. If I end up staying in Chicago, I am excited about changing my living habit. I am not really a dog person, but I do really like some of them. And sometimes I like this one all right, but mostly he just seems like a big, bored baby. I have never met a dog so spoiled but then again, I haven't met many dogs.

I think that I figured out the comment thing. Everyone can comment on me, and I can comment on everyone! Awesome communication connection is alive. I just don't know how to do the quiz thing yet. I am feeling a bit blah. Ate a lot of junk food and haven't sent one new application in yet. Am contemplating a nap. AM I a bad person for that?

Good thing: I saw my first lightning bug in about three years. Made me so excited last night. I seriously haven't seen one since summer of 2002 before I left for Peru.

bad news: My dream job hired someone else (this isn't the one that I interviewed for) and I feel disappointed and mad. The thing is the job is almost exactly what I did in peace corps, I mean verbatim, and the stupid fucks didn't even call me for an interview. I have so much experience, so much, and nothing. I had to pester them. I hate job hunting. It sucks. I try to convince myself it's exciting but being unemployed when you want to be employed is like having a cold that won't go away. 3 weeks, you're popping sudafred but you still can't breathe through your nose at night.

wanted to try mel's quiz and avoid sleeping for a minute
Three Names You Go By
1. the name on my birth certificate
2. Feather and Heathbar (hey I know it's two in one)
3. Flor

Three Screen Names You Have Had
1. risaypaz (so only one,but I didn't really discover computers until the late nineties)

Three Physical Things You Like About Yourself
1. eyes
2. arms
3. skin (it's so soft!)

Three Physical Things You Don't Like About Yourself
1. thighs
2. tummy
3. ugly toenails

Three Parts of Your Heritage
1. mutt
2. but have a lot of irish from both sides
3. my great gma was czech

Three Things That Scare You
1. lack of freedom
2. scary men
3. death of loved ones, sadness

Three of Your Everyday Essentials
1. phone
2. map
3. transit card

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. shirt
2. shoes
3. jeans

Three of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists
1. Armonia 10!
2. Juan Luis Guerra!
3. anything old school blues

Three of Your Favorite Songs At The Moment (and activity)
1. Take me back---Lynda Hayes (some blues, soulful on the El)
2. La vecina---Armonia 10 (walking to wherever)
3. Le pide la mano---juan luis guerra (dancing in the living room)

Three Things You Want in a Relationship
1. love
2. intimacy and good unhushed possible sex
3. playfulness and sponteanity and sincerity

Two Truths and a Lie
1. I like to eat sugar on my cheese.
2. I like the calm of bathrooms.
3. I am a fan of Campbell's soup.

Three Physical Things about a Person that Appeal to You
1. eyes
2. smile
3. face

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. looking for a job
2. avoiding looking for a job
3. intently looking for a job

Three Things You want to do really badly right now
1. get a job that I love
2. write a story that I will love
3. talk to the people that I love

Three Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Peru
2. Buenos Aires
3. Oregon

Three Kids Names You Like
1. billy
2. susie
3. candy

Three Things You Wanttake classes for the fun of it
1. learn to make candles
2. play guitar
3. take swimming lessons

Three Ways that you are stereotypically a chick
1. i guess I have long hair
2. I guess my lips look kind of pink.
3. I guess I am unhappy with my body.

Three celeb crushes
1. Sherman Alexie! (he writes what I feel!)
2. Jude Law
3. Ethan Hawke (in the words of a guy-friend "he's so dreamy")

3 people I would like to see take this quiz
1. whoever
2. has a
3. minute to spare or something to avoid like sleep and taking contacts out.