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the sisterhood of the travelling pants
So after seeing the movie and enjoying it, I found the books. Read the first two books in two days. I enjoyed them, made me cry, made me remember things. The third one I am not going to go and read cause well I really need to do resumes and such and also it is in hardback. It is really beautiful though---the friendship of these four girls. And I can't help but feel cynical after all the friendship thing with my old best friend. 15 years and then nothing. You know when I first left for Peru it was her and my mom that dropped me off, and when I came back in the middle period it was her and my mom who picked me up. This time? I still haven't seen her yet and I have been back three months. It is kind of ironic in a way what has happened, she was the only one that was mad at me for leaving for the peace corps and she threatened me that she'd get married while I was gone. And guess what, she did. She married a man who hates me for being a liberal and an independent woman. Apparently I am a bad influence on her. It is also ironic that she knows so well and has accused me of it, that I have a hard time letting go of people. And now, I have to let go of her. What a dig. I have been okay so far, much better than I thought I would be. But it is hard coming back from so far away to not have who you considered your old best friend not there. At all. All that support, laughter, complaints, gone. And the funny thing is in all the years of being friends, we have never had a fight. I kind of wish that we had now. It would be a release at least.

What I realize is that my old best friend was (for a while) the wilder side of me, the more sexual side of me. Everything that I repressed, she was. She was louder, she dressed more provocatively. She had drama in her life, conflict. And now I suppose that she's gone, I have the space to explore these parts of myself more so but not to the extreme extent that she did. I think that I did begin to explore these sides in Peru. I miss Peru. I miss just walking down the highway or in the side, I liked who I was there. And it is hard for that evolved risaypaz to fit in here. I hope this gets better. I have been thinking about the maybe possibility of going back. I love the people I knew there so much, and there is so much left to do, and it seems that they aren't going to send anyone to my site because they deem it "too hard." Yeah right. I don't believe it.

Also so I have always said to people that I have never been in love. And I look at them in awe when they explain it. I can say now that I have been in love. I always said that I was falling, I was almost close. Truth is that was like me holding one over him, saying you only thought that I loved you, I almost did but didn't. Truth is I did love him, granted it was puppy love, but that explains my heartbreak over the break-up. And the truth is I really cared about my Peruvian boyfriend much as I said it was just casual-casual. Funny thing is I never wanted to take pictures of me with these guys. It was me holding something over them. I was embarrassed. It felt corny. I hide from these types of emotions. I have to be strong, and I think of strength in relationships as reserve, as protection. It feels good to write these things. Puts a little clasure on the first one. I keep on seeing people that look like my Peruvian ex, and I feel a pang, we really had fun together the first year, he was my release from my stress. I looked forward to seeing him all week until I went into the city, and honestly I felt bad for that---cause I was there for the people not him. I liked how we danced together, how we joked around together. When we were together, we were always laughing. The second year, what can I say, I felt more serious from things that I had seen or knew or heard from my life in the village, and I felt I had grown and he hadn't. And now according to a fortune teller friend, I will have a wonderful romance next year, but this year nothing worthwhile and also I am supposedly extremely fertile so I have to be careful this year anyway. I don't know if I believe.

well this is a long journal entry from me. I have been thinking a lot. Maybe too much. Have to exercise and do my homework of jobhunting. K and B's dog snored all night, I had to turn up my discman to a high 4, and he is snoring now. If I end up staying in Chicago, I am excited about changing my living habit. I am not really a dog person, but I do really like some of them. And sometimes I like this one all right, but mostly he just seems like a big, bored baby. I have never met a dog so spoiled but then again, I haven't met many dogs.

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